Monday, December 29, 2014


So. A little note on shoes. Weird, I know, especially coming from a girl who is currently trapped for another 6 hours in the Edmonton airport. But really, I'm serious here.
I put on some shoes earlier today that I regret putting on. I'm here at the airport wondering what the heck I was doing. I KNEW they were uncomfortable, and I KNEW something like converse would be much more travel-worthy (not to mention, they look an incredible amount better than these old Keds here I'm wearing--vain, I know... whoever said vanity was at the bottom of my list of things I need to work on?) Anyways. Back on topic. It dawned on me that these shoes were THE WORST thing possible to happen to me and would ruin my entire trip. Yes. My entire one-week trip. Drastic, I know, but unfortunately my mind works like that. It gets one minuscule thing attached to it and never ever ever lets go unless I either a. go back home immediately and discard of the old shoes, putting the new ones on, or b. finally explode in a massive fit of rage and buy the first pair of shoes that I see, ugly though they might be, in attempts to cover the perfect flaw I created for myself. Because yes, in my mind, I made the mistake of a century and everyone is going to notice and HATE me for it. Okay, so option "a" is obviously not possible because I'm already several hundred miles from home, and option "b" is, well, a little impossible because it's kind of the middle of the night and most of the shops at the airport are shut down until the morning. So I go with the only possible way to keep my mind from exploding its guts everywhere and grossing people out. Drink coffee, write rage entries in my diary, and read a very very very helpful passage in the Psalms. Like, oh my goodness. Look at this: "It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect." I circled the word "perfect" several times in my Bible. (Psalm 18 is amazing, go read it right now)
You see, I have an alternate reality that is very much present in my mind and it is called PERFECTION. I like picturing the future and imagining what I might look like meeting some people I really really admire with like, the perfect clothing, right down to the shoes I'm wearing. And if something doesn't feel right or whatever, IT'S NEVER GOING TO WORK. The perfect scenario IS RUINED FOREVER. Drastic, I know, but that's me.
Okay, so why exactly am I telling you about my inability to be happy with the shoe choices I've made? Well.
Today's sermon was basically... Don't let your heart deceive you and actually examine the paths you're walking right now and see if they're God-glorifying or just doing what the flesh desires. Also, HANG ONTO INSTRUCTION FOR DEAR LIFE.
Um. Yeah. So for the past few weeks, there's been stuff I've been doing and thinking and actually believing that is not me to do and think and believe. I wanted it to be me, honestly, but it wasn't. It could never be me, no matter how much I wanted it. People were telling me I was wrong, but I wasn't listening. There was a choice I had to make and I wanted the easiest way out, the shoes I thought were the most comfortable for the path I was about to embark on. I wanted perfection basically, but in the easiest way possible. Turns out sometimes even that which appears easiest in the beginning is in no way easy in the long run.
Those shoes. They're the easiest to take on and off, making security a million times easier. Yet... They've turned out to be super uncomfortable to travel in. My feet are cold all the time! They don't support my already horribly flat arches!
Same with this decision I had to make. I wanted to believe that a particular choice was the easy way out of some crap I'm going through, but actually... Yeah, pretty much the opposite. Probably. I mean, I'm not 100% sure either way, but all I know is one way looks easy and has turned out to be complicated. The other way is SO much harder on the outside, but I've seen positive effects from it. Sometimes the long way 'round is so worth it. Just taking that extra time to do pretty important stuff is lasting and valuable.
Simply put, life is hard. Feeling okay about your choices depends on your mindset and where your heart is at. Anyways, that was my middle-of-the-night rant. I'm feeling better about stuff now. Trying not to let my choices become me. I played a grand piano in the airport. That was different and cool. Yay!
Peacing out for some Doctor Who.

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