I honestly have no idea what I'm going to write about. I just know I have to write a blog post. I'm sitting here in the dark on my bed at 12:26 AM, a Wednesday morning, so tired that tears are coming out of my eyes. Yet the caffeine I consumed roughly six hours ago is still ravaging through my system, refusing to allow that thing called sleep to overcome me. I know exhaustion will soon enough take over, but for now I remain awake, aiming to talk about something deep and thought-provoking, and yet not really knowing where I'm going.
It's August 27th. On this day, one year ago, I was probably lying in bed sleeping, or sitting in bed rocking myself to sleep, trying to convince myself that no, no we were not moving twelve hours away from home, to a new province, a new church, an entirely new life. Trying to convince myself that it wasn't true, that in a month I wouldn't be gone from the home I'd lived in for eight years, that I would not be torn from my best friends and placed in a land full of strange and unfamiliar people. It was too wild for me. I'd already gone through so much change as my best friend, my older sister, the one person who knew me and understood me, got married and moved away. That summer, I also graduated with a few of my closest friends. That summer, I experienced the relief of emotions for the first time in two years. At least I harbored no more bitterness in my heart.
Here I am. Same family, different life, different job, different me. Well, the same me, yes, but different. More shaped, yet also more confused. Somehow, I'm okay with this confusion. Somehow, I can push through it and trust that God knows what He's doing. I'll admit it's hard most days, but I find enough hope in the little things and in the people around me, that I really don't need to worry. God's there. He puts specific people in my life to meet specific needs. He never ceases to surprise me with the unexpected moments.
This summer, I became an aunt. I traveled to Alaska to visit my sister and my darling niece, Cassandra. This summer, I also traveled to Kansas for my second time, carting my brothers along with me. We attended the 2014 OYAN Summer Workshop. We came home early to witness a funeral of a dear brother in Christ and to be there for those in mourning. I got my license after the fourth try. I found people to call my own people and to smile about all the time. I lost my grip on reality and snatched it back again. I played soccer a lot. I hiked a mountain.
Once again, I have no idea what I'm writing about. All I can say, really, is this. If you can't put your hope in the big things, if you find hope in general just scattered, if you keep on losing your way, look deeper because there are always the little moments. Whenever I get overwhelmed and confused in a crowd of people (introverts ftw), I always look for one person to migrate to. Doesn't really matter who, just one person so that I don't stay lost and so that I have some kind of focal point. Do that with moments in your life. If you're having a crappy day, but there was this one thing that happened that made you smile... Think about it over and over and over and over again. And smile each time.
Honestly. Do it. Goodnight.