Concerning Doors

I've been praying for a miracle. Lots of miracles, actually. But mainly for a job, the answers to critical decisions I've been having to make for a long while now, and peace through all of whatever God has planned for me.

Ever since the end of the Summer Workshop, I've been trying and failing to find a job. Most of that was lack of motivation, a great chunk of it was due to pickiness and wanting the "perfect" job, but a very small portion of it was not being able to find anything. I had many, many options before me. But the perfectionist side of me took over. I wasn't sure what God wanted me to do, and I was waiting for Him to show me. All summer long, I prayed and stressed about having no money, and then prayed some more. All summer, I kept on thinking of the future, of next summer, and wondering if I would ever make money, if I would ever get out of the house and actually DO something with my life. A lot of my summer was spent on the computer; chatting with friends, writing my novel, and waiting. Nothing seemed to motivate me to actually apply for a job. I was leaving it up to God, but I didn't want to take action myself.

These past couple weeks have been the most stressful and frustrating weeks of the entire summer. As the school year is looming ever closer, I kept on wondering and praying and pulling my hair out and just screaming at myself for not pushing harder to find a job. I worried that I would never be able to make money for the myriad of things I have/want/need to pay for next year and the coming fall. I worried that I wouldn't be able to do orchestra, to do choir, to go to next year's OYAN Workshop, to pay for my graduation, to pay for various things for my sister's wedding... I was beginning to lose hope of any of this ever happening. I was beginning to fear my passions would be scattered to the ground and I would have nothing left but darkness.

But I had no reason to worry.

God did a miracle. Over the past few days (and especially today and yesterday), He has been working something wonderful through something altogether unpleasant. It started yesterday as I was waiting in line at a local school to sign up for a one-semester Biology class. I was previously feeling very excited to do it, but as I sat there, I began to feel uncomfortable thinking of the secular environment I would have to be in, the information that would be fed to me from the Science textbook that ran contrary to my beliefs. Something stirred inside me and screamed at me, "NO! DON'T DO THIS! DON'T SIGN UP!" But, as I've become quite good at doing, I ignored the voice of reason and went through with it. I signed up, payed for the textbook, and went home.

After that, I was looking through the book. Things popped up at me. I began to feel sick to my stomach, just looking through the sorts of things public schools teach. And then I began to reconsider even signing up. A fierce headache zapped me and the stress started to pile up in my brain again. I took out my "Exploring Creation with Biology" textbook by J. Wile and soaked in the richness of the pages, the cleanness, the fulfilling information within it. The headache worsened. I worried that I had made the wrong decision.

So I took a nap. But my brain kept switching between a firm "NO" and a resounding "YES." One part of me said, "No, Julia, you made the right decision, and you should just go through with the class you signed up for and learn what you can." The other part said, "Yes, Julia, you made the wrong decision, and you should read the textbook that is more glorifying to God and more satisfying than any old public school textbook." So, I considered that and brought it up with my mom. She emailed my homeschool group, asking if any other teens were doing the "Exploring Creation" Biology course, and within an hour, two people replied. A 16-year-old boy and a 15-year-old girl. I could be accountable and motivated this way. I wouldn't need a class full of people I didn't know. It would be far better to get to know Christian homeschoolers, whose friendships would probably last longer than any messed-up, public-schooled kid.

As my brain juggled with the idea, I started to think about my lack of work again. A couple weeks earlier, God had put it on my heart to start teaching piano to a few students. I got all excited about it and almost put an email out to the homeschool group, but then got scared. So I left it. Not long after the two emails came in about the Biology course, a lady from the same group emailed and asked if I would be willing to teach her two youngest children piano. I snatched the opportunity and said yes, and then she asked if I would ALSO be willing to teach two kids from the same family of the 16-year-old who might do Biology with me. Of course, I said yes to that, too. A week or so ago, a different lady asked for a young girl to babysit her three children on Monday nights. I will be meeting her to see if we're a good fit for each other sometime within this week. =)

God worked a way for me to do both orchestra AND choir again this year. Though piano lessons are still a little on the downside, I truly believe God will work out a way, if He really wants me to continue with piano. He worked out all of THIS, didn't He?

Funny how a Science class can teach you important lessons, even if it has nothing to do with the class at all. God's been closing a lot of doors, but those closed doors have led to open doors. Through these bad decisions, He's been showing me what I already have and that I don't NEED more. My life won't be fulfilled in a classroom. My life can be fulfilled HERE. At home, where I belong.

And now, I feel quite willing to give up this Science class to build a stronger relationship with the friends around me, with my family, and with God. And I also have more freedom to fit in the job opportunities God has presented to me.

Isn't that wonderful? God took things away so that He could make room for even GREATER things. He put me through these difficult situations in order to fill my life with blessings.

God's great. And miracles DO happen. I am overwhelmed with His love.